Our Adoption Story – Part 1
Have you traveled through the valley of miscarriage & infertility? Perhaps you are on this journey now. I’ve been there. From the valley to the mountain of adoption. My journey into the world of special needs parenting has been a tough one. If you are reading this post, I know you can relate.
This is our adoption story.
Our adoption story began back in December of 2013 when we adopted our now 6 year-old son at birth. Almost one year prior to carrying our newborn little man out of the hospital, we had left a different hospital in our home town with empty arms and broken hearts.
In December of 2012 my husband and I joyfully entered my OBGYN’s office with eager anticipation to find out the sex of our third child. Within an hour’s time our world came crashing down as I was whisked to the labor and delivery floor of the hospital to deliver my baby. According to her measurements, her heart had stopped just 24 hours earlier.
Secondary Infertility Changes Everything
Once in my hospital bed, I pleaded with my doctor to perform one last ultrasound as I had to be sure. I still believed that this was just horrible error on the part of the ultrasound technician. Surely, my baby girl was still alive. I had felt her kicking just the night before. There had to be some mistake. My doctor graciously complied with my request to reassure me that there was nothing that could be done to bring her back. Of course, she was right. It was not a dream, but it was a nightmare. I was soon given medicine to induce delivery.
Time stood still. It was as though every ounce of oxygen had been removed from the room and at the time, my life. My precious hubby and I waited in that room for almost 48 hours before I delivered her lifeless body into the world. The shock of seeing and holding her was too much to process. My Ryan Adeline was not coming home to live an earthly life with the girls, Ian and I. She had already left for her forever home to be with God.
The Grief of Miscarriage
I spent the next six months in a state of deep grief. It took all of my energy just to function at a basic level. We had two little girls, ages 7 and 4 at the time, who I had to care for. I ceased all of my outside activities because I had to preserve whatever energy I had so I could care for my family.
Every moring I woke, descended the stairway, and made a cup of coffee. Then I would curl up in the worn-in corner of my couch.
Creating Space To Grieve Pregnancy Loss
That was my quiet time place. My quiet time spot-on-the-couch was my place to meet with the Lord. Every morning for six months, I would “journal pray” to the Lord for hours. I would pour out my heart asking the hard questions.
“What did I do to cause this?”
I poured out the pain to Him repeating over and over again,
“It hurts. It hurts. It hurts.”
Every day, I begged Him to kiss my Ryan Adeline’s sweet baby cheeks for me. The amount of times that I pleaded with Him for our next child is too great to count. I specifically wrote these three words as I prayed for our next child.
“FROM MY BODY”.
“Lord, please prepare our home for our third child FROM MY BODY.”
Little did I know that He was preparing me for the adoption of our son. Before I was able to embrace the concept of adoption, however, we lost three more pregnancies.
Generations of Women
Any woman who has struggled with infertility knows the myriad of confusing and painful emotions that come with losing a child. My precious cousin who just recently experienced this trauma herself described it this way.
It’s as though I’ve entered into a tribe of women who have gone before me. Now I have suffered the depth of pain that the death of one’s unborn child brings.
Many in this tribe know that with deep pain comes the opportunity for incredible growth. Often there is an even greater longing for life. These women often know that the cavern of excruciating anguish can lead to immense strength. It can lead to an even greater passion to fight for her family.
Strength In Pregnancy Loss
What that strength and passion looks like is different for each woman. Some continue to try for that viable pregnancy. Others are successful and eventually deliver a healthy baby. Some pee-on-a-stick over and over again only to stare at that dreaded “Not Pregnant” symbol.
Many ride the additional roller coaster that I know all too well. The high of a “Pregnant” symbol and then the excruciating plummet into despair when bleeding begins a week or two later.
Infertility to Adoption
It often is the latter that leads some couples to adoption. That was the case in our situation. After about 9 months of trying, my husband and I began to accept that God had another plan to grow our family. Apparently, He whispered that to me much earlier in the grief process but I hadn’t noticed until then.
“FROM. MY. BODY.”
Now that I think about it, I think He was loud and clear.
“God decided in advance to ADOPT us into His own family by bringing us to Himself through Jesus Christ.” -Ephesians 1:5
Infertility to Adoption Story
Does your story include adoption or infertility? You are not alone, Friend. Would love to hear some of your story. Comment below or contact me directly.
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